In the weeks since I wrote my Native Harvey Weinsteins post, I’ve been learning hard lessons about Indian Country and men I thought I trusted and knew. My inbox has been filled with stories upon stories of men I have shared space with, men I have promoted on my social media and in my talks, men I have held up as shining examples as the good ones. I mourned hero after hero. I unfollowed and blocked men I called friends. I offered words of support and healing to women I don’t know, as I tried to process what I was learning. I know I let some people down who felt I could do more, but I was struggling to keep up with the flow of emails and support the women–and myself–who were having to relive moments they tried to tuck away forever. I also watched men I specifically mentioned, and others who we all know about, make broad general apologies on their Facebook pages, or share the post and without realizing it was literally about them. I watched as one in particular continues to be praised and profiled and held up as an indigenous feminist role model, which has only increased in the last few weeks. Only four Native men I know reached out to me directly to check in after the post. There is still so much work to do, and I’m not done fighting.
Not all learning is easy. I have always adopted a philosophy on the blog of “consenting to learn in public”–being willing to own up to my missteps and learning, allowing others to see that vulnerability and hopefully be willing to change and grow themselves. In the days after my post, I put up an open letter/public apology to Native women by Kyle Mays, someone I had considered a friend, someone I had cared about and had given a platform several times on this blog. I was recently approached by a woman who came to me with the support of several other women who have witnessed and experienced problematic behavior from Kyle. In addition to this group of women, I received several more emails from other women who have been harmed by him. They have seen that recent behavior has not changed since the public apology, and felt that the continued presence of the post was allowing the behavior to continue. As soon as I was contacted, I immediately deleted the post, but they and I felt it needed to be addressed more comprehensively.
So I’m deeply embarrassed, I’m hurt, I feel used, and I feel awful thinking that I allowed my blog and my platform to be manipulated in a way that continued to harm women. For my role in that, I’m truly sorry. This is extremely hard for me to write, and I’m typing with shaking hands and feeling sick. This is personal, and painful. I’m so appreciative that these women reached out to me, and their note to me confirmed some hard truths I myself was grappling with. While I’m trying not to blame myself, I do take responsibility for not being more critical in my reading of the initial guest post, and for leaving it up even after my own recent experiences with Kyle led me to question its authenticity. Because Kyle was harmful to me as well. He manipulated me and used my feelings against me, used me for my platform, public standing, and labor, and discarded me when I was no longer useful. His actions have left lasting effects on my health and career.
In what follows, you’ll find a response written by a community of women who asked to remain anonymous. Below that, you’ll find the original post.
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The Problematics of Disingenuous Public Apologies
Public apologies are a colonial tactic often intended to silence a community without genuine intentions for actionable follow-through. Whatever rhetoric a person can spin, there are warning signs to be aware of when a person seeks to dominate a conversation for their own
benefit.
Look for:
- Public apologies rather than direct apologies to the people hurt.
- Blanket statements which seek to diminish personal responsibility.
- Generalizations which create confusion between reality and fiction.
- Speaking on behalf of an entire community or group.
- Excusing actions by putting the blame on society rather than taking personal
responsibility. - Continuing to reinforce a particular discourse while denouncing that discourse (e.g. in
the case of toxic masculinity, continuing to refer to intimacy as “fucking”). - Not recognizing the role of power dynamics (e.g. assuming that students are acting
consensually when they are, in fact, not in an equal position). - Shrugging off serious issues (e.g. referring to a person being suicidal with no follow-up
about how they are now).
Instead:
- Praise the people who have endured despite the poor choices of another person.
- Relieve yourself by not blaming yourself for the actions of another person.
- Continue to speak up and share experiences.
- Be aware that toxicity can happen through texts and social media as well as at speaking
events, conferences, and gatherings. - Offer meaningful support to people who have been harmed by toxic actions (e.g.
listening, assuring, addressing suicidal thoughts, offering resources). - Do not allow problematic people who need to work on themselves access to community
members, students, or colleagues. - Remember that Aunties talk.
Hopefully, together, we can turn the conversation away from accolades for a self-serving public apology and instead focus on praising and supporting people who continue to process the problematic choices of another person.
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